So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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