I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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