just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
