your parents love me but you hate me
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
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