I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
