I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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