Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
