worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
