I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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