Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
