my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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