Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
