Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
