You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
