omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
