What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
