Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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