i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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