So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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