nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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