I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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