Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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