Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
