come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
