Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
