these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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