Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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