quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
