i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
