I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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