he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
