best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
