The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Is that strawberry winking at me??
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
