So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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