Your face is a jimmy john
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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