I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
