why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
