he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Boobs speak an international language.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize