so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Little spoons don't ask big questions
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize
