If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
