Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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