Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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