Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
