how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
