Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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