i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
