I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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