i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
