If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
this beer tastes like vomit already
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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