Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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