it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
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