Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
