How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I hope mine doesn't look like that
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
