Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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