We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
