I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
