i just snorted my name. best moment ever
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
